I'm sure most (let's face it, ALL) of you have been wondering why I haven't been online with much consistency in recent months. Here's the scoop:
As ALL OF YOU know, I was marginally defeated in the presidential election the previous two times. So, the Primate Party campaign manager (Peppy) felt it necessary to increase my exposure. So in September, the Ransac/Monkey team left for a cross-country trip to promote my candidacy. We were going to make stops in every state, from Alabama to Wisconsin, New Mexico to New York, Kansas to Nebraska, and (despite several complaints by my cabinet about the expected stench) Pennsylvania.
This trek proved to be the epitome of poor planning. Our first stop was at a Dairy Queen in Oregon, were the store manager apparently disapproved with our presence there. It may have been that my Public Relations committee never actually booked us anywhere (assuming that if we showed up, we'd be given free food). It may have been that none of my security had bathed. OR it may have been the fact that, upon entering the fine food establishment, my running mate felt it best to announce our arrival by flinging poo at the patrons. This was ill-planned as there was a group of anti-anti-animal rights activists there who proceeded to beat on my wardrobe personnel with their signs and posters.
Following a hasty retreat via a stampeding llama caravan, we set out for our second poorly planned destination: Hawaii. This would be to be our last destination, not just because of the amount of time it takes to swim there, but mainly due to most of my campaign team drowning less than five minutes of the initial tred. After Monkey and I swam back to safety, we were greated by the same anti-anti-animal rights group who promptly flogged us for an hour or so.
After regaining consciousness, I found myself caged with my choice for VP in a small dungeon. For weeks, our captors demanded us to dance in monkey fashion (which is how I typically spend my weekends, so it wasn't too bad) as they gorge themselves on Hostess cupcakes and ale. Finally, while the drunk activists slept off their stupor, Monkey actually examined the cage and found it had been unlocked this whole time (that's one smart monkey!). We hitchhiked our way into town by manner of a drunk irishman on a unicycle, who let us use his cell phone to contact our campaign manager. After several calls without an answer, I then realized that he had drown with the rest of the crew. Monkey promptly began shrieking and pointing at my butt, which I took as a request to invert the universe and revert it, hoping for the best. I did and we wound up back in our headquarters with all of our team there again, alive and well.
Monkey continued to shriek and point at my buttocks which caused me to examine it. It appears there was a large centipede crawling up my rear, which caused the entire room to begin chasing me in a ravenous fashion. I've managed to take refuge by hiding in a small pantry in the back of the facility, hoping that the PR team doesn't find me (they like to pinch me).
Hopefully, the excitement will die down in a manner of months, but I confess that we were not able to garner enough votes to win the election this time around (though I've been told we came close). When my team manages to calm down, we shall begin planning for our next bid for the office!!
Vote Ransac/Monkey 2012!!!!
Ransac, cpa trash man
As ALL OF YOU know, I was marginally defeated in the presidential election the previous two times. So, the Primate Party campaign manager (Peppy) felt it necessary to increase my exposure. So in September, the Ransac/Monkey team left for a cross-country trip to promote my candidacy. We were going to make stops in every state, from Alabama to Wisconsin, New Mexico to New York, Kansas to Nebraska, and (despite several complaints by my cabinet about the expected stench) Pennsylvania.
This trek proved to be the epitome of poor planning. Our first stop was at a Dairy Queen in Oregon, were the store manager apparently disapproved with our presence there. It may have been that my Public Relations committee never actually booked us anywhere (assuming that if we showed up, we'd be given free food). It may have been that none of my security had bathed. OR it may have been the fact that, upon entering the fine food establishment, my running mate felt it best to announce our arrival by flinging poo at the patrons. This was ill-planned as there was a group of anti-anti-animal rights activists there who proceeded to beat on my wardrobe personnel with their signs and posters.
Following a hasty retreat via a stampeding llama caravan, we set out for our second poorly planned destination: Hawaii. This would be to be our last destination, not just because of the amount of time it takes to swim there, but mainly due to most of my campaign team drowning less than five minutes of the initial tred. After Monkey and I swam back to safety, we were greated by the same anti-anti-animal rights group who promptly flogged us for an hour or so.
After regaining consciousness, I found myself caged with my choice for VP in a small dungeon. For weeks, our captors demanded us to dance in monkey fashion (which is how I typically spend my weekends, so it wasn't too bad) as they gorge themselves on Hostess cupcakes and ale. Finally, while the drunk activists slept off their stupor, Monkey actually examined the cage and found it had been unlocked this whole time (that's one smart monkey!). We hitchhiked our way into town by manner of a drunk irishman on a unicycle, who let us use his cell phone to contact our campaign manager. After several calls without an answer, I then realized that he had drown with the rest of the crew. Monkey promptly began shrieking and pointing at my butt, which I took as a request to invert the universe and revert it, hoping for the best. I did and we wound up back in our headquarters with all of our team there again, alive and well.
Monkey continued to shriek and point at my buttocks which caused me to examine it. It appears there was a large centipede crawling up my rear, which caused the entire room to begin chasing me in a ravenous fashion. I've managed to take refuge by hiding in a small pantry in the back of the facility, hoping that the PR team doesn't find me (they like to pinch me).
Hopefully, the excitement will die down in a manner of months, but I confess that we were not able to garner enough votes to win the election this time around (though I've been told we came close). When my team manages to calm down, we shall begin planning for our next bid for the office!!
Vote Ransac/Monkey 2012!!!!
Ransac, cpa trash man
D)
