On a bright morning in Dominaria, Braids had decided she wanted to torture more souls. As she strolled down to the dungeon to pick out some "volunteers" she noticed that there was some rather loud screaming flowing up the spiraling staircase. She cautiously walked down the steps and upon reaching the bottom she was startled to see the hordes of Nightstalkers flowing out from a portal that had opened up earlier.
The creatures were hideous monstrosities that seemed to take a blackness of death with them as they gracefully moved from victim to victim. With all of the Nightstalkers looking alike, it was hard to see were the vital parts of each one were. Let alone their evil grins on their faces. Suddenly one Nightstalker started hovering above the minions and starting chanting the runes of a powerful, ancient force. The runes started flowing from its fingertips, erasing all that was Braids lovely home. In the end, all that was left millions of black grinning creatures surrounding a single lone figure. "You have been bereft of all your worldly possessions," The Nightstalker spellcaster stated. "You will be given some of the long lost ancient powers that were the twin brothers.
Then as quickly as the lightning strikes, the Nightstalkers and their portal simply vanished. "Use it wisely," said a disembodied voice. Unfortunately for the world, Braids didn't feel like using it wisely, so she used the power to create a thousand golems out of the charred ruins of her former home and sent them to destroy any survivors. Which they did. Very well. Just when the entire situation seemed hopeless, a savior from the sky appeared.
It revealed itself to be... Boogerman!… who fell down with a noisy splat. Boogerman's mucus membrane slowly pulls him back together and stands the hero upright. Then as slowly as the hero stood up, the hero's mucus membrane flowed to the ground revealing the true identity of the hero - It was Squee!!!!
All the golems shook with fear as they viewed the disgusting display of Squee's mucus. Then in a Bruce Lee-Like motion Squee jumped into the horde of Golems and got his tiny annoying goblin butt kicked hard by a bunch of angry golems. The golems roared a victory roar and ran away to cause havoc in other planets around the solar system.
They boarded their spaceship and flew to the planet Bozniak, where they crashed into MaRo's ear during his tryst with a Freyalise supplicant. MaRo bellowed, ... "I knew printing Braids was a mistake!" MaRo ran away in horror, thinking of the disasters he caused when Braids was printed. The golems continued to ravage the planet of Bozniak.
Suddenly, Hanna appeared from the sky and zapped all one thousand golems away with a mighty blast. Gerrard then ran in from his hiding place underneath a large rock and jumped for joy as Hanna cleaned off her weapon.
"What kind of weapon is that, Hanna?" Gerrard asked.
"You wouldn't understand it, you big fat loser." Hanna replied. She then shot Gerrard in the head repeatedly with her mysterious weapon. She took Gerrard's body and tossed it into a ditch, then she flew away to her secret hideout, which was located next to the local Dominian Burger King - Home of the Slopper!
Face it, Hanna just likes things her way... Anyway she puts her secret weapon away (actually a pea-shooter) so as not to allow it to fall into anyone else’s hands. She then fixes her hair and walks in to order her meal... While pondering what she was wanting, she noticed that there was a familiar shape on the grill... it looks... like... a piece of... Tahngarth!!!
She smiled and then devilishly ordered the special of the day. At this point she realized the person waiting on her was Richard Garfield... "Would you like to try a shake with your order Hanna?"
Disgusted at the idea of who was serving her Hanna drew her pea-shooter and repeatedly blasted Garfield, all the while cursing him for bringing Tahngarth into her existence... Then, out of nowhere, coming to Garfield's rescue was a pot smoking hippie time traveler. The PSHTT revealed himself to be none other than the ISE, who had miraculously survived the disaster on Dominaria.
He took a sip of cocoa and then spit it at Hanna. Hanna dodged and blasted the ISE with her secret weapon. When the dust cleared, Hanna discovered that the ISE had survived! The ISE dragged Hanna into the bathroom and tried to floss his teeth with her.
Hanna, never being handled like this before began to get turned on!!! She couldn't believe what was happening, she was being turned on by the ISE!!! She poked him in the eye and after picking herself up ran out of the restroom, only to run into Ertai, Sam and Chesty!
All four of them got into Ertai's beamer and drove away to look for a solution to the golem problem (did everyone forget about that?). They drove for hours upon hours upon hours until they finally reached a lonely shack out in the middle of the desert. When they approached the door, a large explosion was heard in the distance and a large object came smashing into the ground. It was a spaceship!
The door opened and out came the Melmac-ian army. Leading the way was none other than Alf himself... Somehow when the Melmac-ians heard that cats were being senselessly destroyed they couldn't just stand by the way side... They have come to help Hanna, Chesty, Ertai, and Sam rid the planet of these golems forever. Immediately Alf begins a bandstand comedy routine and all golems in earshot begin to disintegrate because of how horrible it is. Our four heroes have been given special earmuffs so they are not affected by the comedy routine.
As the other golems see what is going on they run the opposite direction of the infamous Alf!!!... As the golems run to re-group a fatigued figure can be seen slumped on the ground, but heading towards our heroes and the melmac-ian army... It's Squee!... As he tries to make his way towards the group he decides it would be better to stop fighting and just go live peacefully on a farm. (I hope everyone knows what consequences this has for the little goblin dork.)
Everyone, including the golems, celebrate because the little dork has left them for good. Everyone dances around and goes to a party at Hanna's mansion. When they get there, a strange and mysterious sight awaits them. It was a person! No, a portal opening up into the plane and out swarms millions of Nightstalkers. With all of his strength gathered, Alamond attacks the hoard head on. Were the gruesome fields of battle once lay, now Alamond has met his final resting place. Do not underestimate the shadow.
Alamond was then sent to farm with the little goblin dork by a mysterious man in a large green and red cloak. The mysterious man then closed the portal and destroyed all of the Nightstalkers that would have destroyed the world. He then made a giant beanstalk grow out of the ground and it stretched up to the sky.
He climbed up it and when he reached the top, he was surprised to see…- Mrs. Claus!!! With a fiery red face she exclaimed: "How could you go and play down there and leave me to take care of all these little people and the freakin' reindeer!!! You're nothing but a chunky old man who eats cookies all night every Christmas eve... And for all you give to everyone else... you never bring me even a chunk of coal!!!..."
Santa murmured himself: Ho... Ho... Ho...
She steamed forward to push him back down to the battlefield below when Baron Sengir appeared and turned Mrs. Claus into a sack of granite. Then he turned Santa himself into a large lemon. He roared triumphantly and went to eat the reindeer. Barrin then appeared out of nowhere and zapped the reindeer to a safe location so he could face Baron Sengir alone.
Barrin immediately turned Baron Sengir into a bottle of water. Barrin took the bottle of water and drank it all down. He turned to the former Claus family and laughed maniacally. He took them into his arms and stored them in the refrigerator for later. Barrin then conjured a large spaceship out of thin air and flew away and landed on the planet of very creepy old men.
Out of the shadows of the bleak terrain, thousands of hungry, dead old men crawl towards Barrins brain ship. Will this be the end of Barrin? Tune in tomorrow and you might find out the answer, on the next episode of...CPA Banned Creepy Old Men Attack!!!
- The Next Day -
Barrin - realizing the danger he was in issued a realease of their top secret toy stash they had stolen from Santa!!! From the hull of the spaceship dropped milions of Pokemon plush toys!!! What better way to stave off creepy old men than to bring forth their memories of the little children they once stalked!!!...
The men were baffled, they couldn't believe it... they had so longed for something from home... Now if only the spaceship would drop their white vans with dark tinted windows and children for them to stalk, everything would be okay.
During this distraction, another spaceship landed in the hills behind the old men and an army of Homeland Security agents could be seen getting ready to capture the old men. Not wanting to have any part of this, Barrin flew his space ship away from there as fast as possible.
A few light years away he decided to land on another planet. This one was full of forests. He remembered now, this was planet Orgg...
Suddenly, The planet Orgg had a makeover, and transformed itself into the planet Snigaroth! The Snigarothian fighters swarmed out of their hidden lairs and attacked Barrin mercilessly. They shot Barrin repeatedly with their plasma rifles. Barrin tried to keep them away, but they resisted every single magic spell he tried to cast. They captured Barrin and took him to the core of the planet, where they threw a Famous Amos party, with real Famous Amos mediocre chocolate chip cookies.
Everyone was enjoying their inferior snacks when in burst a Thallid Devourer, intent on eating every last fungal particle in the room. But its plot was foiled by Jigglypuff's old high-school physics teacher! She immediately gave everyone present a test on whatever you study in physics, which he had forgotten (or blocked out). Everyone failed and she gave them all detention and took away their cookies. They spent over 40 days in detention. They weren't allowed to talk. They were given only bread and water to survive on. Finally, they formulated a plan to break out.
You see, the teacher left the room every 2 hours for exactly 2.3 minutes. Each time she left, she activated a security system that would sent a bazillion volts of energy through all of them if they broke the rules. But this one time, she forgot! They bolted for the open door, planning their life of freedom.
Unforunately for them, the teacher was waiting for them with her plasma rifle. She shot all of them and left their bleeding carcasses all over the floor. "Who's going to clean that up?" the teacher thought to herself as she calmly walked out of the building and and flew away to her home planet, where she met up with Debbie of "Debbie does Dallas" fame.
They immediately began... XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX...
When done they sat and talked a while about the favorite men in their life. Debbie mentioned a gentleman by the name of Richard Garfield and went on to name many of WOTC's hierarchy... While Miss teacher went on and on about this student from one of her classes named Steve. She'd last heard he changed his name to Jugglehuff or something like that...
Suddenly Homeland Security astronauts burst through the door and took Debbie in the bedroom while teacher was taken into custody. There she met up with Bill Clinton. Clinton suddenly felt ill and fell unconscious. His stomach began to pulse and ripping through it was the ISE.
The ISE had returned to exact revenge on the teacher! It seems that the ISE was actually one of Ms. Teacher's students at the same time that Jigglypuff was a student. The ISE grabbed Ms. Teacher around the neck and with one quick flick of his wrist, snapped her neck. Before anyone could move, he grabbed Debbie and escaped to his spaceship. He flew away to his home planet of Chronus, where various paradies of famous people still lived. Signs all around the planet have posted "beware the apperitures."
ISE doesn't heed the warnings and becomes entraped in a gruesome future of Phyrexian onslaught. Debbie, realizing the danger she's in, immediately begins seducing some of the locals and doing to them what she needs to survive.
Suddenly rubber screeching and brakes shrieking can be heard and then a red convertible Benz pulled up with Sam and Chesty in it!!!... Debbie jumped in and they drove around until they found a rest stop... For this being Chronus, they had some extremely interesting vending machines and facilities. The group then headed on to find the nearest Wurm Hole to get the h-e-double-l out of there!!!
They finally found a wurm hole, but didn't have the toll fee to pass through, so Debbie worked her Magic as Sam and Chesty "wrestled" in the back seat.
They entered the wurm hole and came out back in Serra's realm! They looked at the charred ruins of their former home with sadness. Just then, a large spaceship came crashing through the worm-hole. It was the Phyrexians! Sam, Chesty, and Debbie immediately took up battle positions.
They fought for hours with the Phyrexians and hope was getting dim... Suddenly Debbie decided she would have to sacrifice herself in order to save the world. She stripped down to nothing and walked towards the Phyrexian Army with a white flag. The Army realizing what she was doing called for their commander to come forward.
The Army engineers constructed a Porn-like setting and Debbie did her thing... each soldier getting their turn at her... And with this act of great sacrifice, the Phyrexians withdrew from Serra's realm and went back through the wurm-hole taking Debbie with them.
The leader's of Serra's Realm have since dedicated a porn-like setting memorial which is frequented by teenage archangels and their significant others...
And such is the second CPA story!!!
