The Ultimate Battle to End all Ultimate Battles.... until the next one

[rokapoke]

Rokapoke, drawn by the vapors in the room, enters from a trapdoor in the floor.

"Spiderman cooking again?" he queries.

 

[Spiderman]

<cough, cough> "No, it's Mooseman this time... and for the last time..."

 

[Ransac]

*Ransac, who is starting to slip into unconsciousness due to Oversoul's strangling, throws a jar of queso sauce to the other side of the room. EVERYONE knows that Oversoul can't resist that cheesy, spicy goodness.*


Ransac, cpa trash man

 

[Prince RXI]

*Grunts as a jat hits him in the head and, being unable to see due to the yellowish mist, decides the closest person just beaned him... Spiderman promptly gets zapped by a low-voltage bolt of lightning-flavored sharp cheese...*





Prince RXI... what... when I'm hungry food tends to do that..

 

[Spiderman]

"Aarrrg"!

Spidey's hands twitch involuntarily and accidently triggers his web shooters, spraying webs all over Ransac.

 

[Oversoul]

Mooseman's Chili.... Being over 15 billion on the Scoville scale......

*Since Mooseman's Chili apparently has 1,000 times as much capsaicin as pure capsaicin, the physically impossible aroma is all Oversoul can smell. Ransac's queso sauce diversion is useless. He does, however, wrap Spiderman's accidentally fired webbing into a noose around Ransac's neck and begins swinging it up and down, bouncing Ransac's head onto a bench repeatedly while pieces of the ceiling fall on them.*

 

[Mooseman]

The Chili, sharp cheese, queso sauce and ice cream all wrapped up in easy to transport spider webbing attracts the notice of the plague of all plagues........

Television commercial advertising jingle writers.......

 

[Ransac]

*His head been bludgeoned, Ransac starts muttering random words and somehow insults Oversoul's clothing in such a way that a tear begun rolling down the cheek of the tentacled one.*


Ransac, cpa trash man

 

[Oversoul]

*Oversoul takes the opportunity to catch his tear in a vial. Oversoul's tears are a rare commodity that fetch millions on the black market for their hallucinogenic properties. He then resumes dribbling Ransac's head on the bench like a basketball, except he's holding it by Spiderman's webbing, so it's more like a tetherball? Look, I don't know.*

 

[Ransac]

*While being dribbled, Ransac wonders why he tends to constantly get pummeled by the Tentacled Oversoul.... and then passes out.*


Ransac, cpa trash man

 

[Oversoul]

*The bench breaks. Oversoul curses and looks around for a new way to punish Ransac, then notices that the building is still collapsing. He dashes across the floor, leaping over chairs and rubble, then slides through the exit on a broken table. Oversoul laughs triumphantly, but notices that the unconscious Ransac is still attached to his arm with the webbing noose.*

Ah, that explains why I seemed so much heavier getting out of there. And how do I get this stuff off me? Let's see...

*Oversoul opens a portal to the super-duper chemistry lab and drags Ransac in with him. He consults numerous arcane tomes, cuts off pieces of the webbing, weighs them, puts them in boiling water, puts them in boiling alcohol, puts them in boiling dichloromethane, consults another book, examines them under a microscope, burns them, takes an IR spectrum, consults more books, and finally prepares a 50/50 mixture of poiled slurgs and orange juice, using it to dissolve the webbing. Oversoul pulls Ransac out of the lab and closes the portal.*

Now what? That thing's still not done collapsing? Well, it looks pretty close...

*Oversoul lifts Ransac and leans back to toss his unconscious opponent into the imminently collapsing building, but just then, Ransac begins to stir. He's waking up.*