Ask ten different people why they play Magic and you'll probably get ten different answers. Perhaps they love the card interactions or building new decks. Maybe they just like having another game to play with their friends. Some will even say that they enjoy the fantasy aspect, the storylines, art and flavor behind the game. But I think everyone knows why we really play Magic: for the ladies.
Now of course I dont mean that women are attracted to Magic players. Oh God, no. Everyone knows girls don't play Magic. And if you tell them that you do, they will be instantly repulsed. Which is why we turn to the women who appreciate us: the ones on the cards.
A couple years back, I had a friend who built a "cleavage" deck. He sorted through his collection, pulled out every card with some attractive chick in the art, and sorted them into a deck. He beat a lot of people with it, but is winning even important when you have the eye candy on your side? Hell, the distraction of the card art might have been the reason he won with it.
This, of course, led me to wonder, "What is the hottest card in Magic?" Which card makes all the aspiring teenage Magic players out there skip over the rules text while they drool over the art? Which card keeps the most people playing the game? Because let's face it, there's not a whole lot of options for Magic players outside of that little cardboard square.
I spent about a week poring over every single piece of artwork ever to appear on a Magic card. First, I filtered out the obvious: no dudes. It's got to be girls and they have to be prominently featured in the art. Next, I took out all the weird female creatures. No cats or rats or goblin girls. They need relatively human bodies and faces. Mermaids and angels are not a problem, but when I look at a card like Ink-Eyes, I really can't tell how attractive she is. Plus, hairy chicks never did much for me. Next, I whittled this down to a list of sixty-nine. The ladies featured in these cards would be the prom queens and the pageant contestants if they weren't stuck fighting monsters in the Magic universe. Finally, I picked out the best of the best. I sorted by color and picked the top five in each, using my highly subjective system of asking myself, "Who's hotter?"
Unfortunately, white was the one color that really threw a wrench in my plans. I really wanted to do a top five for each color, but with all the hot angels in white, I couldn't pare it down any lower than a top eight. Maybe it's the wings or the heavenly bodies, but Victoria's Secret and I agree: angels are appealing to the eye.
8) Disciple of Grace (Urza's Saga | art by: Robh Ruppel) I normally wouldn't assume a bald woman could make a list like this, but I always found something about this disciple really attractive. It's probably the minimal amount of clothing (what religion is this and how do I join?) in addition to a great looking body and a cute face that pushes her into the top 8 for hottest white cards.
7) Juniper Order Advocate (Alliances | art by: Douglas Shuler) I know, I know, the card is referring to the knight in the picture, but this contest is about the art, not the characters. The elvish babe in the picture looks great in her clingy white robe, showing off a little cleavage for her white knight.
6) Serra's Embrace (Urza's Saga | art by: Terese Nielsen) What can I say? I dig pale chicks. And who wouldn't with legs like that? I'm not sure how Serra gets so lucky, embracing girls like this. I know if I could turn someone into an angel, I'd pick this girl, too.
5) Shelter (Odyssey | art by: Christopher Moeller) I almost didn't put this as one of the top cards, because you can't really see much, but there's something about Christopher Moeller's artwork that you feel like she could be wearing a parka and you still wouldn't care. Of course, showing off a little leg doesn't hurt too much, so showing off a lot of leg is great. In fact, I sometimes wonder if she's even wearing pants.
4) Remembrance (Urza's Saga | art by: Val Mayerik) This card would easily be number one if one of the angels weren't dead. I like to pretend she's just fallen asleep after eating some spaghetti. But despite the morbid thought of ogling a dead angel, you have to admit that either of these chicks could be posing for Maxim.
3) Tormented Angel (Urza's Destiny | art by: Greg and Tim Hildebrandt) I don't know what it is about the Urza's block, but someone decided there weren't enough hot babes going around, landing four of the top eight hottest white cards from that block. And this angel has it all: the beautiful blonde hair, the gorgeous body, the long legs, the enormous sword
okay, so maybe the sword doesn't make her hot, but put everything else together and you have the third hottest white card in Magic.
2) Serra Angel (Alpha 4th Edition | art by: Douglas Shuler) I'm probably biased here because she was the only angel I knew about for a long time. Regardless, Serra Angel has got to be in the mix. You can see the beauty and the power without looking outside the art. Her low-cut dress says, "Look how sexy I can be," while her stance and sword say, "but I'll kick your ass, anyway."
1) Save Life (Unhinged | art by: Ray Lago) I know she's a ringer, but I can't deny what my eyes keep telling me. Despite appearing in a joke set where the bounds of decency can be pushed, you get the feeling that artist Ray Lago just felt like drawing the hottest babe he could and threw in a life preserver to match the mechanic. There's no denying this girl is a knockout all around: the hair, the face, the body, and the pose. The fact that she's in a bikini is just icing on the cake.
- Archangel (Portal: Second Age | art by: rk post)
- Auriok Champion (5th Dawn | art by: Michael Sutfin)
- Benalish Hero (Alpha 5th Edition | art by: Douglas Shuler)
- Circle of Protection: Black (9th Edition | art by: Christopher Rush)
- D'Avenant Archer (Legends, 5th & 6th Edition | art by: Douglas Shuler)
- Delaying Shield (Odyssey | art by: Luca Zontini)
- Exalted Angel (Onslaught | art by: Michael Sutfin)
- Haunted Angel (Apocalypse | art by: Arnie Swekel)
- Herald of Serra (Urza's Saga | art by: Matthew Wilson)
- Miss Demeanor (Unglued | art by: Matthew Wilson)
- Ramosian Captain (Mercadian Masques | art by: Matthew Wilson)
- Reya Dawnbringer (Invasion | art by: Matthew Wilson)
- Soul Warden (Exodus, 9th Edition | art by: Randy Gallegos)
- Standard Bearer (Apocalypse | art by: Ron Spencer)
- Warrior's Honor (Visions, 9th Edition | art by: D. Alexander Gregory)
Everyone likes the bad girls and there's no denying black is loaded with them. They can get away with the low-cut tops and the short skirts, because they just don't care. I wouldn't get too attached, though, because most of their relationships probably end pretty badly for the man.
5) Liability (Mercadian Masques | art by: Christopher Moeller) The fiery redhead on this card is exactly what I'm talking about. The flavor text says it all, "Gerrard realized the helpless woman they'd rescued from Rath was nothing of the sort." She's got the beauty all right, but it comes at a price.
4) Vicious Betrayal (Fifth Dawn | art by: Tomas Giorello) Straight from the necrogen swamps of Mirrodin, this vivacious babe has gotten powerful by betraying her weaker comrades. You can't help but wonder if those straps across her chest will continue to hold if she becomes any stronger.
3) Lost Soul (Legends, 4th 6th Edition | art by: Randy Asplund-Faith) Lost Soul was always so seductively mysterious to me. You can't really make out any of her features, but you just know she's got it going on. Covered by a shear cloth, she seems to invite you to get in a little closer and find out what lies beneath.
2) Plague Witch (Nemesis | art by: Nelson DeCastro) Wow. Best melons in Magic. The detail in this card just blows me away. It's enough to make her hot
really hot, but not in the usual fantasy way that doesn't seem real. Also, you gotta love the blue hair.
1) Dakmor Sorceress (Portal: Second Age | art by: Matthew Wilson) When I first saw this art, it made me wish I bought Portal cards. She's got the hot Goth thing going and like I said, I dig pale chicks. She's got the hair, the body and the outfit to be named the hottest black card in the game.
- Desperate Research (Invasion | art by: Ron Spencer)
- Duskwalker (Invasion | art by: David Martin)
- Frozen Shade (5th Edition | art by: DiTerlizzi)
- Last Caress (Apocalypse | art by: Eric Peterson)
- Phage the Untouchable (Legions | art by: Ron Spears)
- Vile Deacon (Legions | art by: Matthew Wilson)
You'd think red would win hands-down for having the hottest of the hot babes, but they actually have one of the shallower pools of cards to choose from. I guess being dominated by goblins and dragons leaves less room for the ladies, but there's still some real gems to be had in the color red.
5) Kris Mage (Mercadian Masques | art by: Matthew Wilson) She's more cute than hot, but I don't think that diminishes her standing on this list. With a skimpier outfit, she might have been right up there competing for the top spot.
4) Punctuate (Unhinged | art by: Jim Pavelec) It's kind of funny that one of the staple black characters (Phage) actually looks the best on a red card from a joke set. Everyone's favorite high-risk legend from Legions busts the card frame with her, uh, bust, while getting zapped in the back by a stream of expletives. (Side note: did anyone else notice that most of the characters in that stream don't count as punctuation as defined by the card?) And since this is the only card that really shows off Phage's thong, it had to make the list.
3) Keeper of the Flame (Exodus | art by: Terese Nielsen) Of all the Exodus keepers, the flame's the hottest. She's got the fiery pose and the burning stare that work so well at keeping your opponent's life in check.
2) Fire Elemental (Alpha 4th, 6th and Starter 1999 | art by: Melissa Benson) One of the hardest decisions when compiling this list was what to do about Fire Elemental and her Unhinged sister, Red-Hot Hottie. You'd think the latter would be a dead ringer to win this thing, but after careful examination and careful contemplation, I realized that you just can't beat the original. Melissa Benson's original art might not have the detail of the new girl, but there's something about it that just feels right. I think it's that smile and the way she stands that puts her at #2 and leaves Red-Hot Hottie off the list.
1) Reversal of Fortune (Fifth Dawn | art by: Greg Hildebrandt) Is the metal bra part of her skin or part of an outfit? I forget how that works again. Does it matter? I suppose it does, but only if you're a Vulshok man hoping to see a little more than the rest of us. This hot babe, with the metal hair and virtual bikini top has everything you'd look for in the hottest red card around, which strangely has nothing to do with heat.
- Earthbind (Alpha Revised | art by: Quinton Hoover)
- Red-Hot Hottie (Unhinged | art by: Jeremy Jarvis)
I wasn't expecting to find many babes among green, but ended up pleasantly surprised by some of the women showing up in the color. Having a generous staple of elvish babes helps keep the green cards free of envy.
5) Caller of the Hunt (Mercadian Masques | art by: Clyde Caldwell) If I ever go bow hunting, I'm taking her with me. Even if I don't catch anything, the sightseeing won't disappoint. She might not dress the part, but the caller's got the body to make this top five.
4) Elvish Scout (Fallen Empires, version 3 | art by: Christopher Rush) If I ever tried climbing a tree dressed like that, there's no way my skin would look that smooth. But this little elf proves she's nimble enough to watch your back without getting so much as a scratch, despite wearing just enough to keep everything important in place.
3) Planeswalker's Favor (Planeshift | art by: Rebecca Guay) Every woman has a little black dress that drives men wild. This girl's got the little green dress that makes me put her on this list.
2) Rushwood Dryad (Mercadian Masques, 8th Edition | art by: Todd Lockwood) Ever since the original Star Trek series aired, seducing green women was every man's fantasy. This green woman keeps her ample self covered by a leafy little dress, but that doesn't make her any less enjoyable to look at.
1) Elvish Ranger (Alliances, version 2 | art by: Terese Nielsen) When I first saw this card, I thought she looked a little too buff to run away with a top spot, but after extreme scrutiny, all I see is a well-toned female taking a break from the hunt. From her fur-lined top to her barely-there bottom, this elf has it all to win the hottest green card by a landslide.
- Argothian Enchantress (Urza's Saga | art by: Daren Bader)
- Eternal Witness (Fifth Dawn | art by: Terese Nielsen)
- Seek the Horizon (Saviors of Kamigawa | art by: Eric Polak)
- Stream of Life (5th and 6th Edition | art by: Terese Nielsen)
- Verduran Enchantress (Alpha 6th Edition | art by: Kev Brockshmidt)
Blue is the color of intellect and knowledge, but that doesn't mean it's filled with nerdy girls. These cards prove that you can be smart and sexy.
5) Liquify (Torment | art by: Ron Spears) Ron Spears gives new meaning to the term "skin-tight" with his art on Liquify. This babe may be in the process of pulverizing a deadly plant, but she still knows how to dress to keep all us sentient beings giving her nothing but love.
4) Counterspell (Ice Age | art by: L.A. Williams) With all the versions of Counterspell out there, you knew one of them just had to hit this list. This lady's shapely body and revealing outfit launch her into the top five.
3) Faerie Squadron (Invasion | art by: rk post) They may not dress revealingly, but the girls on this card know what it means to look good. The fact that there's a whole squadron of ladies like this only increases their aesthetic appeal.
2) Thornwind Faeries (Urza's Legacy | art by: Rebecca Guay) The faeries are blue's answer to white's angels. Numbers alone are probably what keeps blue from having that white appeal. The winged women of Thornwind certainly do their part by showing off their sexy bodies in their flying bikinis.
1) Hurkyl's Recall (Antiquities, Revised 5th Edition | art by: NeNe Thomas) If that's Hurkyl in the art, then Drafna was one lucky dude. She's got it all going on, wearing nothing but a virtual sheet that hangs off her body while she works her magic on those artifacts
and everyone with eyes for that matter.
- Alexi, Zephyr Mage (Prophecy | art by: Mark Zug)
- Freed from the Real (Saviors of Kamigawa | art by: Scott M. Fischer)
- Graceful Adept (Champions of Kamigawa | art by: Scott M. Fischer)
- Withering Gaze (9th Edition | art by: Randy Gallegos)
Multicolor and Artifact Cards
Rounding out the colors are all those cards with more than one or none at all. Although the selection was limited (I may have to re-evaluate this after Ravnica), some sexy legends and artifact users rounded out a respectable top five.
5) Sivitri Scarzam (Legends | art by: NeNe Thomas) I used to always put this card in my black and blue deck just for the art. What other purpose would an expensive Craw Wurm serve, except to act as eye candy for those long, drawn out control games? Sivitri's outfit (can it even be technically classified as an outfit?) and shapely figure make her one of the hottest legends around.
4) Worry Beads (Mercadian Masques | art by: rk post) The only worry this mer-babe should have is keeping that top up. And I'm not even sure she should worry about that. Who needs legs when everything else makes you the hottest mermaid in Magic?
3) Charmed Pendant (Odyssey | art by: Anthony S. Waters) It's hard to make out a lot of this lady's features, since the art is so dark, but the two features that can be made out are very important. She seems to enjoy having that pendant around her neck, but I have a feeling the pendant enjoys its position a little bit more.
2) Selenia, Dark Angel (Tempest | art by: Matthew Wilson) Strong, sexy, and a little bit evil, Selenia is the angel with nothing to hide. If it weren't for her muscular legs, I think she'd be a little top heavy, but as it stands, she's got that perfect hourglass body that makes time slow down.
1) Jasmine Boreal (Legends | art by: Richard Kane-Ferguson) No revealing clothes or sexy poses. Jasmine here doesn't need that. Her face, hair and shoulder are enough to give her the top spot among the multicolor and artifact cards. There's something mesmerizing about her face and the way she's looking over her shoulder. She's sweet and sexy and brilliantly illustrated and that's enough to land her on top in my book.
- Captain Sisay (Invasion | art by: Ray Lago)
- Karona, False God (Scourge | art by: Matthew Wilson)
- Lady Evangela (Legends | art by: Mark Pool)
- Rubinia Soulsinger (Legends | art by: Rob Alexander)
- Squee's Embrace (Apocalypse | art by: Rebecca Guay)
Turgy's Top Twenty
Now the colors are set, so how do they stack up against each other? I've compared every two cards side by side and here's how I rate the top twenty sexiest Magic cards ever printed (as of Ninth Edition):
20) Juniper Order Advocate
19) Serra's Embrace
17) Keeper of the Flame
16) Selenia, Dark Angel
15) Vicious Betrayal
14) Thornwind Faeries
13) Rushwood Dryad
12) Lost Soul
10) Tormented Angel
9) Hurkyl's Recall
8) Serra Angel
7) Fire Elemental
6) Jasmine Boreal
5) Plague Witch
4) Elvish Ranger
3) Dakmor Sorceress
2) Reversal of Fortune
1) Save Life
Finally, what good is picking out all the hottest cards in Magic if we can't see them all together in a deck?
For the Ladies Casual Legal Deck
3 Exalted Angel
2 Serra Angel
3 Soul Warden
2 Auriok Champion
2 Tormented Angel
1 Reya Dawnbringer
1 Caller of the Hunt
2 Elvish Ranger
3 Elves of Deep Shadow
1 Plague Witch
1 Jasmine Boreal
1 Selenia, Dark Angel
2 Captain Sisay
3 Seek the Horizon
2 Serra's Embrace
2 Save Life
2 Desperate Research
Feel free to scrutinize and voice your own opinions, but always remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.