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Why You, A Handsome And Charming Professional Play
By The Ferrett
Here's the best reason I can think of for professional players to vote for me:


No, really -- I've said nothing! Even though I won a PTQ, I realize that I have no talent -- and as such, have refrained from writing seventy-page long treatises on How To Construct A Sealed Deck or What My Take On The Metagame is. I know I suck. I've left you the hell alone. Isn't that worth it?


Well, to heck with you pros then. Let's talk casual.

First of all, I've got to congratulate Sol Malka on his stunning technique -- whoring oneself out for votes* on separate sites wasn't a strategy anyone took before Sol, but I bet it won't be the last time we see this approach. For a revolutionary and outside-the-box thinking approach, I must congratulate Mister Malka -- although I have a feeling I may want to shoot him midway through next year's inevitable "Writer War 2." So I promise that this is the last time I'll bother you here or on any other site but my own, which I think is worth a vote in itself.

I won't really go over all of my casual Magic credentials here -- my multiplayer writings, Team AWWAJALOOM, the fact that I have no discernible talent whatsoever -- but I do feel the urge to point out three things:

1) If you really care about casual players winning this thing -- and if you really REALLY care, then you're taking this far too seriously and probably need to buy a life at your local Walmart -- then I have two words: Mike Flores. Sol might beat me, but in a head-to-head match he's gonna lose to one of the greatest internet authors of all time. Whereas if *I* win, then Mike and I get judged on so many different levels. In other words, a vote for Sol is a vote for Mike is a vote for some scary really pro-style dude winning. Hey, do you want that? Sol is kind of like Ralph Nader; hey, he's attractive, but he's gonna cost ya Florida.

2) I quit Team AWWAJALOOM.** Why? Because I love casual players so much that I didn't want to break their hearts. Everyone told me I should stay on board after I qualified for Barcelona -- hey, I FOUNDED the damn club. They told me I should make an exception. That I should remain, I dunno, the team head.

But I stepped down.

Because I cared about the principles. Because I genuinely believe that every casual player could be as good as Sol Malka if only they had the time. And if I hung around after I qualified, wouldn't I be disproving that? Wouldn't I be mocking every whacky multiplayer deck every time I signed Team AWWAJALOOM? Would I not be BETRAYING EVERY SINGLE PRINCIPLE I LOVE?***

Here's the real reason I'm quitting my day job -- it's because, according to the tenets of Team AWWAJALOOM, no man can win a qualifier AND have a wife, a job, and a life -- and BY GOD, I QUALIFIED AND I HAD TO QUIT MY JOB BECAUSE OF IT.

Beat THAT for dedication to the casual players, Sol. Hanh.****

So in conclusion, I speak to you, the CPA -- I'd speak to New Wave, too, but frankly I have trouble writing everything in that "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" style so they can understand it -- and ask for your support. Vote Ferrett. If elected, I promise that I will continue to edit a direct competitor to this site and eventually drive you all out of business.

Strike that. Reverse it.

I promise that I will uphold traditions and kiss babies and stuff. Oh, and I won't cheat with an intern. Thank you.

The Ferrett
FORMER Member, Team AWWAJALOOM, dammit
Rampant vote whore

* -- No, the word "whoring" is not an insult. You may note that I came out to peddle my flesh, here. So there.

** You don't know what Team AWWAJALOOM is? And you call yourself a CASUAL player? Shame on you. If you don't know, go to right now, young man. And no soup for you!

*** - Can't you just hear the "Star Spangled Banner" in the background here? This is my Oscar moment, folks!

**** -- Incidentally, Team AWWAJALOOM has cost me well over two hundred bucks in cards and mailing costs. Not that Sol "I Don't Even Play 5-Color" Malka has spent a dime on you. Not that I am bitter.

(Is this where Chaos Turtle got the idea for putting little "footnotes" in his posts? Geez... - Spidey)

Read More Articles by The Ferrett!

 - Wednesday (July 18. 2018)
 - Thursday (May 17, 2018)
 - Tuesday (Aprl. 24, 2018
 - Monday (Apr. 16, 2018)
 - Friday (Apr. 6, 2018)
 - Wednesday (Apr. 4, 2018)
 - Monday (Apr. 2, 2018)
 - Friday (Mar. 23, 2018)
 - Thursday (Feb. 15, 2018)
 - Thursday (Jan 25, 2018)

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