Following is my entry for the MeridianMagic Magic Celebrity Deathmatch-- one that I wrote too long, so it is probably disqualified.
Another thing I need to say before this is that I'm leaving the internet community for the next several months, so if you don't see or hear from me, that's why. It's been a great four years, and hopefully, in six months, it'll resume for me.
If it doesn't-- well, here's my final offering. For the Birthday Report, I'll leave that to the people who were present at the party celebrated with a moldy box(literally) of Fallen Empires.
What follows is the entire entry, written about two weeks ago.
Note: this will not make sense if you've never seen Celebrity Death Match.
[White-On-Black screen comes up with the following words:
Due to the violent and profanic content of this show, viewer discression is advised. All celebrity voices are impersonated, unless stated otherwise in the credits, and are violently dismembered whenever premittable.
Anyway, It's Just CLAY!!!]
[Celebrity Death Match banner comes up with theme music]
Jonny Gomez: He undoubtebly sucks.[goblin spy comes into view] They undoubtably suck.[Mon's Goblin Raiders come into view] Join us as we figure out the Worst 1/1 Goblin for ONE!
[fight one screen goes downward]
Nick Diamond: Our next match is the battle for the best commercial character featuring a little kid card! He's BIG and SMELLY, and wears a red breechcloth![Orgg comes into view] He's Big and Smelly, and has no breechcloth![Vizzendrix comes into view] It's The Orgg vs Vezzendrix! Also, by special arrangement, the theme music from the original Magic commercial will be playing during the match.
Jonny Gomez: And for our main event, the Tower of Tech! This competition will tell who is truly the most ahead of his time with strategy or playing skill. The first compeditor is said to be one of the worst players in the history of the game, and even goes by the nickname "bad player." According to himself, he "Mizes Tightly!" The creator of Flores Black, Mike Flores![claymation image of Flores comes into view with grossly exaggerated sneer] His competition in this contest is considered by many to be the best player in the world. He has put forth slews of decks, and almost as many visages in his career, but is most famous for his Forbiddian and Tinker decks. According to his loudmouth opponent, he is a "Tight-assed Mizer!" The man of perfect play, John Finkle! [claymation image of Finkle with absolutly no exaggeration to imphasize his lack of "abnormal" characteristics]
Jonny Gomez: I'm Jonny Gomez.
Nick Diamond: And I'm Nick Diamond.
Both: Welcome to Celebrety Deathmatch!
Jonny Gomez: Up first, the match for the worst 1/1 goblin for R. Let's go down to the ring with our refferee, Mills Layne.
Mills Layne: In the red corner, the ones who arn't organized, but still have a club, Mon's Goblin Raiders! In the blue corner, hey, where the hell is he? (a telescope pokes through the turnbuckle) Get down here, boy! (the spy crawls out of the turnbuckle with his telescope). Now listen, I want a clean, fair fight, or as clean as goblins can handle it!
Leader of Mon's Goblin Raiders: (draws a sword) AAAAAEEEEEEEEEIIIIII!!!
Mills Layne: What the he'll? I jus' said I want a clean, fair Deathmatch. A sword is in NO comparison to a telescope! I WON'T allow that crap! (the others pull out clubs of the wooden and golf variety) Those, however, well, I'll Allow 'Em!
Leader: ME KEEP MY SWOOOORRRD!
Mills Layne: (digs into pocket) Here's one of those cards! I havn't played this in years, but this will handle this problem. SHATTER! (sword shatters in goblin's hand)
Leader of Raiders: (runs to a nutral corner) No FAyir! No Fair, NOFAIR!
Mills Layne: Let's get it ON!
Jonny Gomez: And there is the bell! It seems that the Goblin Spy is starting this match off by uuuuhhh... I don't know what he's doing.
Nick Diamond: he's staring between his legs with his telescope, Jonny!
Jonny Gomez: I know that nick, I just don't know what he gains from doing it. Meanwhile... The raiders, minus their leader in the corner, are picking their noses, scratching their backs with their clubs, or laying down and sleeping.
Mills Layne: I said FIGHT, DAMMIT! (hits spy with the telescope, slaps some of the others with their own clubs) FIGHT!!
Nick Diamond: Look at that band of raiders go! They might not have banding, my personal favorite ability, but they sure know how to weild their clubs against the lone Goblin Spy. I can't even see the spy through their group
(the Mon's Goblin Raiders have sorrounded the Goblin Spy and are proceding to beat it senseless with their clubs)
Jonny Gomez: Nick, you don't even know how banding works.
Nick Diamond: So? Nobody else does, either! Well, except for 10% of judges.
Jonny Gomez: And there goes the Goblin Spy's Telescope right out of the melee! It hit the Leader right on the head!
Nick Diamond: He seems pissed, Jonny!
Jonny Gomez: It looks like we have on hand a Raging Goblin!
(The former Leader of the Mon's Goblin Raiders picks up the telescope and as the camera focuses on his face yells "WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPP!!!!" and charges at the circle of raiders which now has a puddle of blood around it and many parts of the goblin spy around in a circle. The raiders are still beating on anything their clubs touch, mostly each other. The Raider Begins beating the heads of each goblin in turn, most of which fall down immediatly, and the smaller flying out into the audience.)
Raging Goblin: Wwaaaaa! Yaaaa! haaaaa! (sneezes)Ttehctarp! (hits a small goblin armed with a board into the audience)
Jonny Gomez: That seems to be Ed Fear* in the Audience!
Gomez & Diamond: OOOOOOh!
Nick Diamond: It seems Ed Fear just took the boar in the side!
Ed Fear: (just waking up after the hit) OH! I've been Wronged! Horribly horribly WRONGED!
Jonny Gomez: There is only one goblin left in the middle of the ring, and it looks like he's welded the shattered sword together! And there goes the raging goblin sending him and the sword over the top rope into the audience.
Nick Diamond: He's heading tward Mike Long*! (goblin lands next to Mike Long and the sword cuts off of Mike's legs)
Mike Long: OH MY GOD! MY LAP! My Career is RUINED! Now I can only run a legitamit buisness and profit from it! My Whole BASIS of my Career is GONE!
Ed Fear: Truly, I was hasty in my responce. Forgive me. Evrything was done in a fair and nice manner, and all justice nessissary was dispensed here in the deathmatch arena. You can ask my friends, you can trust me on that account.
Nick Diamond: It seems that we have a winner! The Raging Goblin is officially...
Jonny Gomez: (gets handed a note) Not so fast there, Nick. It seems that the judges walking around keeping everything fair have given the verdict that since the Raging Goblin actually defeted the Raiders and Spy, then the Raiders and Spy should be declaired the winners of the title of Worst 1/1 for R. Also, They include for the Raging Goblin's benifit and to insure that they don't get their own incompetent asses kicked*,** they also include that the Raging Goblin did, indeed, win the match.
Nick Diamond: We will be right back, Deathmatch fans, after theese messages.
[Insert commercial run here with all the Magic: the gathering commercials to date]
[lights fade back in and show the announcement booth again. Instead of the theme music, the awful music from the first Magic commercial is playing in the background.]
Jonny Gomez: Our next bout will determine who in the Magic commercials is truly the best mascot to appeal to little kids and get more people into the hobby. Down in the ring is a creature whose little brother, the Kezzendrix, was a creature that many players fell in love with during the Tempest expantion. In the Blue corner, The biggest mutated rabbit, Vezzendrix! Making his way to the ring is the more feral and less lovable incarnation of a creature that made so many people fall in love with this game from the relese of Fallen Empires to the eventual dry up of FE product around the time of Visions. Coming to the Ring is the Trained Orgg!(gets handed a note while the Trained Orgg is walking to the ring with shiny, clean green skin and bright red breechcloth. The camera focuses on the audience standing beside his feet and closeups on the Dog-Mailman from the Vezzendrix commercial. Trained Orgg grabs the dog and hurls him at the speakers. The speakers fall twards the ring. Vizzendrix hits them and knocks them far into the back of the stands where the camera closes up on Casey McCarrel*. McCarrel gets hit by the speakers and falls off the seat, obviously hurt)
Nick Diamond: He'll be out for awhile!
Jonny Gomez: Wait a minute, I've just been informed by the Judging staff that the Trained Orgg is NOT on the program. The less urbane version, the plain Orgg, will be forced to come into play tonight.
(a big puff of smoke comes up around the Trained Orgg that is under the announcer's stand and when it clears, a closeup of the announcer's stand is seen with a thick, green haze coming from below)
Jonny Gomez: Nick, What is that horrible smell?
Nick Diamond: (camera pans around arena where several notable Magic faces can be seen, such as Zvi*, George Baxter*, Gabe Tsang*, and Tomas Guevin* with a splotched shirt and his head between his knees, along with many ponderous people with "scent marks" coming from under their arms*) It might be the amazingly high amount of Magic players in attendance tonight.
Jonny Gomez: No, the stench just got worse a second... (camera pulls away and focuses on The Orgg staring with wide and worried eyes at the ring. He also has the haze coming off of his back, and also has a possibly red, but mostly brown and filth covered breechcloth) It's coming from The Orgg! My Lord!
Nick Diamond: Why isn't he going to the ring?
Jonny Gomez: He's afraid of the Vezzendrix! Let's go to Mills Layne for a decision.
Mills Layne: I want to see this fight happen, dammit! (scrounges in pocket) I know Homelands has got to have some kind of fair card that will let this match go on. (withdraws a stack of cards and starts reading through them) Joven? Daughter of Autem? Anaba Shaman? Feast of the Unicorn!(throws the card into the air. A unicorn appears in front of The Orgg and is promply devoured, with much splattering of red clay and bones.) Hmmm... Lemme see... Serrated Arrows?(throws the arrows at the Vezzendrix, which howls in pain. Mills Layne looks at the Orgg) Still too big? Mabe THIS will do it. SHRINK! Is THAT good enough, you odiferous Orgg?
(the already bleeding Vezzendrix looses much muscle mass and tooth size noticeably. The Orgg points to the back of the arena behind the now pathetic Vezzendrix.)
Nick Diamond: He's calling his shot, Jonny!
Jonny Gomez: It sure looks like it, Nick!
(The Orgg runs tward the ring, jumps over the ropes and kicks the Vizzendrix. The Blue Ball of Junk flies twards a spot on the roof about thirty degrees to the right of the area pointed to by The Orgg)
Mills Layne: (raises one of the smaller hands of The Orgg) I say this match goes to The Orgg!
(The Orgg goes back to the announcer's station and sits beside it)
Nick Diamond: And Victory goes to the mighty unwashed Orgg. Why don't you tell him to sit somwhere else, Jonny?
Jonny Gomez: Me? Why don't YOU do it, Nick?
Nick Diamond: uuuhh... because I've got to call the next match! Our final fight of the night...
Jonny Gomez: You sneaky little...
Nick Diamond: This next bout is between some of the most influential extended players out there...
Jonny Gomez: He can stay, for all I care. I'm not going to get eaten.
Nick Diamond: and they want to find out who is the most advanced player of Magic NOW! One used Flash to great affect, the other was the first to use Ophidian! This match is the first to include the Tower of Tech, a stack of four of each Magic card ever printed, as well as twenty eight of each basic land-- Snow Covered and Non-Snow Covered versions. Each player may call on up to ten of theese cards to attempt to find out who is truly the most ahead of his time!
Jonny Gomez: However, the Tower of Tech is not secured in any way, shape, or form, so the combatants will have to be mindful of what they do so as to not tip over the tower. If that happens, noone can tell what might happen. Nothing more than a papercut could be what happens, or possibly death to the entire world. Who knows what might happen when four Sorrow's Path and ROP: Lands are in a stack?
(closeups on the ring)
Mills Layne: In the Red Corner, weighing at according to him "Mize Tight Tight YES!" Mike Flores! In the Blue Corner, weighing in at "winning a Pro Tour, Grand Prix and Duelist Invitational isn't enough?", Jon Finkle!
Jonny Gomez: The players seem to be thinking about their first moove. John Finkle is talking to Mills Layne about somthing.
Mills Layne: O.K. Flores, You are being held in abayence for the next two turns according to Mr. Finkle here. Is that agreeable to you?
Mike Flores: I guess, since I forgot to add Force of Wills to an extended deck.
Nick Diamond: Finkle isn't wasting time getting his game rolling. He's plummling Flores with two snakes, but Mike doesn't seem to be taking any damage!
Jonny Gomez: Those are Ophidians, and out of habit, John is using them to draw cards! Amazing! Finkle is actually making a mistake this match!
Flores: Watchit! Mize![the lights go out] TIGHT! Tightness! MIZE TIGHT! (a Phyrexian Negator is beside Mike Flores when the lights come back on)
Jonny Gomez: I believe Flores just Dark Ritualed out a third turn Negator.
Nick Diamond: Now I see why they call him "bad player."
Jonny Gomez: Negator is one of the best ritual playes ever, Nick.
Nick Diamond: Yea, but he had three lands avaible.
Jonny Gomez: Finkle has put his Ophidian into a tank of water and it looks like it's in pain.
Nick Diamond: It looks like somthing out of Pink Floyd's moovie of The Wall, now Jonny.
Jonny Gomez: It's an Ashnod's Transmogrant! And Look, Finkle is messing with it!
Nick Diamond: He's tinkering it, Jonny! It's YES! A Phyrexian Colossus!
Jonny Gomez: Look at the Tower of Tech, Nick! It's tipping over!
John Finkle: I fear I have given into the pitfall of flashy plays!
(the tower of cards fall into two parts, each cutting the combatants Finkle and Flores in two. A green, pulsating glow is in the middle of each of them. The glows connect by a beam in the middle of the ring and show a six sided die, or D6)
Jonny Gomez: What is that? It looks like a d6 floating in the air displaying 1,2,3,4,5,6 and exploding.
Nick Diamond: It's the Wakefield D6! When you get to six, you consider yourself having lost the game. I can't believe you didn't know that.
Jonny Gomez: Look! Above the d6! It's a body materializing out of the green glow! I can't make out a face, but there is a Tigger on the shirt. It's the Spirit of Jamie Wakefield! His 24/62 build that favored drawing more land and big creatures truly should be the winner of this fight. And Look! All around the arena the same green glow is coming off of the audience AND out of the television cameras! This prooves that there is a little bit of Wakefield in everybody that plays Magic.
Nick Diamond: But what about the Phyrexian things?
Jonny Gomez: I have the feeling that Wakefield has somthing to deal with them. Yes! There it is behind him! It's the Best Fatty Ever Printed, and possibly the Best Fatty Ever Re-Printed if the rumours hold true! It is the Verdant Force! Look at those saporlings drop off of his head like flies from a garbage can.
Nick Diamond: I think the Orgg below us just crapped his pants, errr... Breechcloth.
Jonny Gomez: The Saporlings are now pummeling the Negator and Collossus! Jamie C. Wakefield takes the title of Most Ahead of his Time!
Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, That's all the time we have for this edition of Celebrety Death Match. I'm Jonny Gomez
Nick Diamond: And I'm Nick Diamond.
Jonny Gomez: Saying Good Fight, Good Night!
[cue up end credits.]
I hope ya'll enjoyed my offering to the Magic Celeb Death Match contest.
Don't take it personally. I just used the same technique as Of Cog and Zog and used some steriotypes for fun and hopefully profit.
-The Orgg***, a.k.a. Jensen Bohren
*Every appearance by any person or group is based upon current steriotypes present in the game of Magic, and anyone offended by it... well, I'm sorry. I did it to be funny. It's all in good fun, just as Mr. T vs Magic was.
**I'm a judge myself.
***O.k., OK! I didn't steriotype EVERYTHING... so sue me.